Think of a time you were feeling particularly stressed-out. Most likely your neck was tight, perhaps your breath was shallow and rapid, your stomach churning with nervous tension. Now think of a time you felt calm; your muscles felt loose; your breathing deep; no sense of anxiety or apprehension in your body or your mind. So, it only seems logical to think that consistently maintaining calm demeanor is top dog when it comes to stress reduction.
We usually associate relieving stress with becoming calm
Not necessarily.
The problem is that we often make the mistake of confusing “calm” with “passive.” After all, when we passively accept things we avoid conflict – and that relieves our stress right? Actually the opposite can happen. When we passively accept whatever comes our way in the attempt to avoid conflict it can blow up on us by not only failing to relieve our stress, but to increase it.
For instance, have you ever known or heard about a married couple who you were perhaps a bit jealous of because they seemed to get along so well? Never a hint of conflict, and then all of the sudden you hear they got divorced? The core of the problem could very well have been that one – or both – of the parties behaved passively with the goal of “maintaining the peace.”
In the process of maintaining the peace at all cost, feelings of resentment and anger can get buried. These feelings may get buried, but they do not disappear. Instead, they are really simmering, building up heat until ready to explode. What is actually happens when the the normal stress of living with another human being is ignored in an effort to keep the emotional waters calm, stress is not relieved – it accumulates.
Passive behavior to avoid conflict can increase stress
If we are consistently passive in the attempt to relieve stress by avoiding conflict we simply substitute internal conflict. It is rather like a never-ending cycle: we avoid conflict by accepting whatever comes our way without expressing our true feelings or needs; doing so encourages others to appear to have little respect or consideration for us; we avoid expressing how this makes us feel to avoid conflict and become more stressed by our circumstances.
If we stay in this destructive loop a few things are bound to happen. For one, we are likely to continuously experience high levels of stress and low self-esteem that results from not having our needs met or expressing ourselves. This high level of stress can lead to physical, as well as psychological, problems. When we reach the end of our rope (or think we have), our resentment and anger can explode in inappropriate and hurtful ways. All of these are stressors – not stress relievers.
Don’t confuse being assertive with being aggressive
On the other hand, being assertive is not necessarily the garden path to stress relief either. The problem is that, just as “calm” can be confused with “passive”; it is just as common to confuse “assertive” with “aggressive.”
Many young people make this error in their attempt to avoid the stress of being made fun of or, even worse, victimized by their peers. They become very aggressive in their behavior. They avoid conflict by acting superior, or “better than” others, most often by disregarding the needs and feelings of others. Some may even seek to humiliate and intimidate others in the attempt to avoid the stress of not having their needs met. They don’t work to get what they want or need – they take it. They become a bully and quite often stay a bully when they reach adulthood. Most of us have probably had bosses who fit this description.
A person who is overly aggressive, just as the person who is overly passive, only thinks they are getting what they want. What the aggressive persons want is to relieve stress by avoiding conflict that arises from having their needs met. If I take what I want, I avoid the stress of having to negotiate for what I want. However, aggression fails as a stress reliever. While the passive person can lose the respect of others and also become resentful of others, it is quite likely that others will lose respect for, as well as resent, an aggressive person.
An assertive behavioral style can help relieve stress
So the question is: what behavioral style does act as a stress reliever? Obviously being overly passive and easy going or overly aggressive and intimidating doesn’t work to relieve stress. The answer lies somewhere in the middle.
This middle ground behavioral style is an assertive behavioral style. An aggressive person has a tendency to attack or ignore others and a passive person buries their own wants, needs, and feelings. When you assert yourself, it means you let yourself – your wants, your needs, your feelings – be known to others in a way that respects the wants, needs, and feelings of others.
People often feel that they are “stuck” with either a passive or aggressive style of behavior. The very feeling of being stuck can cause stress. There are various methods to become more assertive. One of these methods is quantum jumping. The techniques of quantum jumping provide a chance to “get to know” another you who is living a positive, assertive life that acts to relieve their level of stress. You can then take that knowledge and apply it to your daily life.
Watch this video to find out more about the beginnings of Quantum Jumping
