An architect says good-bye to his client, takes a seat behind his desk, and puts his feet up intending to take a few minutes to relax before his next meeting with a reporter from a new online design magazine. All too soon, there is a knock on his office door and his secretary ushers in the reporter in.
The architect’s impression of the woman is mixed. At first take he sees a very attractive, well-dressed woman, make-up impeccable, every hair in place, her expression composed. It appears his meeting is with a very self confident woman who clearly feels in control of the situation and who definitely knows what she wants.
But then she opens her mouth and speaks.
“Oh, I’ve been so impressed with your work…I can hardly believe I’m here…that you’d take the time to see me…everyone must be knocking your door down chomping at the bit to get to you…thank you for agreeing to see me…”
Words rush out of her mouth a mile a minute. If her uneasy, panicked soliloquy isn’t enough to change his initial impression, she rushes toward him hand extended, but trips over her own feet before the handshake can be completed.
However, just when he thinks he’s got her pegged as a “first-timer”, she firmly shakes his hand while looking him directly in the eye. Taking a seat in front of his desk she reaches into her briefcase and pulls out a folder. In a strikingly confident voice she begins to question him about how he approaches his work. As their conversation continues, she opens the folder and shows him preliminary drawings for a house she’d like to design. Expecting something at a level akin to a kindergartner’s finger painting, he is surprised to see almost professional quality renderings.
In spite of a very productive meeting wherein the reporter very adroitly asked insightful questions and responded intelligently as well, things once again change dramatically when the architect, noting no wedding band on the reporter’s finger, decides he’s so impressed with this woman he wants to learn more about her. He tells her he’s impressed by her work and ideas, would she be interested in dining with him this coming Friday?
Once more the woman can’t seem to organize her thoughts before the words slip out of her mouth. “Dinner…me? Friday? Umm…when? OK, we can meet at…do you want to meet…where do want to meet?”
You may never have had an experience similar to this. However, those of us who may feel little, if any, self confidence, will find upon even minimal self examination we are, in fact, very similar to the woman in the story because most of us feel more self-confident in some areas of our lives than others.
Close examination of the woman in our story aptly demonstrates this. The fact that she is well-dressed may seem to indicate she’s very confident about her looks. The fact that she did not hesitate to openly show her own drawings to an architect seems to indicate that she has a high level of confidence in her artistic ability.
On the other hand, her nervous self introduction along with her flustered acceptance of the architect’s dinner invitation makes her appear to be less than confident socially.
The truth is this woman is just like the rest of us – more confident in some areas of her life than others. What might make her a little different is that she is consciously using techniques to help build her over-all sense of self confidence.
In order to build self confidence it is important to understand what self confidence is. We’ve all come into contact with people who are good at something – and perhaps pretty darn arrogant about it as well. That arrogance may seem to indicate this person has a high level of self confidence about themselves and their abilities. However, it is just as easy for it to be true that this apparent arrogance is actually evidence of a very low sense of self confidence.
Just like a building, confidence needs a strong foundation. And the foundation of true self confidence is belief. The most basic belief that supports a healthy sense of self confidence is the belief that you value yourself. When you place value in someone or something this means that you trust that this person or thing. You can rely on that person or thing. Think of a bully or person who seems to enjoy putting others down or making others feel uncomfortable about themselves. This person does not value themselves. By assigning others less value, they attempt to make themselves feel more valuable. However, thinking of others as “lesser than me” is not self confidence.
Building self confidence means thinking about ourselves, as well as treating ourselves (and others) in ways that increase the value we feel we bring to our own lives as well as the lives of others – and there are practical techniques we can use to achieve these goals.
Appearance and Self Confidence
Taking care with our appearance may seem to be superficial – and it certainly can be. When taking care of our appearance turns into placing more value on our outward appearance rather than who and what we are truly about – we are not building self confidence. Rather, we are building a superficial facade to present to the world hiding who we really are – most usually because we are not confident about who we truly are.
Thankfully, there is some truth to the euphemism “Fake it ’till you make it.” Remember the woman meeting with the architect? She dressed in a way that reflected what she wanted to confidently express – in this case her plans and ideas, and it worked.
“Dressing for success” doesn’t always mean a business suit. Sometimes all it takes is a flower in our lapel, or a favorite scarf or tie to remind ourselves of just how valuable we are.
Action and Self Confidence
Moving – exercise – is perhaps the most under-rated of all confidence boosters. Engaging in regular exercise boosts self confidence on many levels. Foremost is the fact that taking time to exercise means we are taking time to take care of ourselves. In turn, finding time for ourselves means that we value ourselves. When we increase our sense of self value, we become more self confident.
Of course exercise impacts our bodies. The most obvious effect of exercise on the body is improvement in our physical appearance – remember taking care with our appearance can be a confidence booster. Exercise also affects our body chemistry by releasing chemicals (such as endorphins) that improve our mood and attitude – both of which contribute to building self confidence.
Regular exercise also helps to keep us healthy. It can lower our blood pressure, causing our bodies to become more efficient and more energized – and energy and efficiency are things we value. Viewing ourselves as energetic and efficient helps to build self confidence. For example, the woman in our story took an early morning run contributing to her feelings of confidence while meeting with the architect.
However, exercise is not the only type of action that can build self confidence. The woman who brought her drawings to that architect not only dressed in a way that reflected the belief that her talent was of value – she took action to get her drawings seen. Something as simple as picking up the phone and making an appointment to do something or go somewhere can build self confidence.
Thoughts and Self Confidence
Remember that the foundation of positive self confidence is what we believe about ourselves. Key to placing positive value on ourselves is breaking negative thought patterns, the “old tapes” that loop through our brains.
Practicing various methods of meditation can boost self confidence – in particular guided meditations directed towards building self confidence can be quite helpful. Positive affirmations and visualization are also very powerful self confidence builders.
Reality and Self Confidence
Building self confidence doesn’t mean building some sort of “perfect” self. A self confident person doesn’t focus on perfection. As a matter-of-fact the self confident person doesn’t measure themselves utilizing unrealistic expectations or standards set by themselves (or others.) A self confident person isn’t afraid to risk trying because it means risking making a mistake – or even failing. Instead, their focus is on revealing their potential to themselves and the world.
Yet, what about those of us who are actively trying to practice confidence building techniques – but aren’t getting the results we’d hoped for? Should we accept that this is just the reality we must learn to live with?
It can seem counter-intuitive to ask our “self” – the one who tends to see us as “less than”, to start believing that we do indeed bring great value to our own lives as well as the lives of others.
But what if there was another “self” – still you – but another self that you valued enough to trust and rely on? A “twin you” who honestly felt self confident and lived a life that expressed a strong belief in their value?
Science has actually introduced strong evidence that this “other you” does exist. The study of quantum physics indicates that particles can, and do, exist in more than one place – simultaneously. In very simply terms, whenever one or more things are possible, the universe splits making each of these possibilities real, other realities that are just as real as the one in which you are reading this article.
Therefore, if there is an “un-confident you” – there is a “self-confident” you. Quantum jumping can be an extremely useful self-confidence booster because it provides us access to our (very real) self confident selves.
Watch this video to learn more about quantum jumping and self confidence
